LOVE LETTERS
by Donna McIntosh
Summary: Ennis and Jack decide to write each other letters telling how they feel.


Title: LOVE LETTERS

Author: Brokeback Mountain

Rating: R

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not me.

Summary: Jack and Ennis decide to write each other letters telling

how they feel.

Two lonely men sat and watched TV. One in his little trailer in

Riverton, Wyoming; stretched out on the bed, cigarette in one hand the

other balancing a bottle of beer on his stomach. The other in

Childress, Texas sitting behind a fine oak desk, feet propped up on an

open drawer, cigarette on one hand, the other, finely manicured fingers

drummed on the desk top.

"Tonight's show is one of our absolute best and we've received more

calls and letters about this episode than any other since our show

began 4 years ago. It's the story we're calling "Love Letters". This

show demonstrates the pure power of love and how it changes lives."

One hour later:

Riverton, Wyoming

"What a bunch of shit! I can't believe I wasted a full hour of my

time watching that crap! As if some writin on a piece of paper could

make all that difference."

Ennis got up and got another bottle of beer, uncapped it and took a

long drink. "They didn't even mail the damn fool letters! What's the

point of writin 'em if they ain't gonna mail 'em?" He sat down in his

old leather recliner and pulled the lever lifting the footrest up.

"Stupid fucking show!" He took one last puff on his cigarette and

stubbed it out in the overflowing ashtray.

He went in and took a shower, bringing himself off thinking of his

Jack. He got into bed and thought about the show he'd just seen.

He thought about writing a letter to Jack but decided it was a stupid

idea and turned over and tried to sleep. He tried for nearly 2 hours

then got up, turned the light on and dug around until he found a

tablet and pencil. He sat down to write.

"Dear Jack,

I just seen this TV show 'bout writin people you care 'bout and

thought, since I can't sleep, I'd give it a try. I ani't no good at

this writing but here goes, anyway.

Always did want to tell you stuff, but we never did that. Talkin bout

such things, I mean. Just cause we didn't talk 'bout it tho, don't

mean it wasn't there or it wasn't real.

I never did have a friend before you came along. You was a buddy, a

friend and...more. Don't know that there's a name for what you are

to me but it's good. It was the best I ever felt when we was up there

on that mountain that summer. Wasn't nothin like it before or since

then. Never will be.

We each got on with our lives and I thought that would be the end of

it but you sent me that postcard and all them feelins come out again

and I was lost in thoughts of you. Couldn't wait to see you again and

feel your arms 'round me holdin me. I waited all that day lookin out

the window. When you finally showed, I nearly flew down those steps

to get to you. Can't say how good it felt holdin you again, kissin

you, bein kissed by you. I swear to God, Jack. I nearly come in my

pants just kissin you there on those stairs. Didn't think we'd make

it to that motel but we did. We nearly wore that matress out, didn't we?

That was just the beginnin of it all. Each time we were together it

was better and better and I nearly died in between times, waiting for

the days and weeks and months to pass.

Something happened to me along the way, Jack. I think it happened to

you too. Somethin that's hard to describe or even talk 'bout. The

more we are together; the more we want. Never can get enough of bein

with each other. It's like a sickness inside me and the only cure was

being with you. That's the only time I feel 'cured'. Like I was

whole. Complete.

This thing between us, I guess its love. You sure

do hear lots about that love stuff on TV and in songs on the radio but

I never was sure what it meant till you and me got together.

I guess it means you wanna be with someone so bad that nothing and no

one else matters. You do crazy things and take crazy chances just to

be together. I'd do anythin to change things, Bud. I hope you know

that. If it wasn't so dangerous; we could be together more. I want

to be with you more than I've ever wanted anythin, but I don't wanna

be dead and I don't want you to be dead either. Couldn't take that;

knowin this thing between us got one of us killed. I know all that

don't seem to worry you none. Guess things must be different in Texas.

I sure do miss you though. It makes me wonder sometimes, if we could

just figure some way to do what you want. The cow and calf place, I

mean. If we could do that and be safe and not have to worry 'bout

bein drug out of our bed some night and beat to death, if we could do

that, well I guess that would just be heaven. Workin with you durin

the day and sleepin with you every night and wakin up next to you

every mornin. I guess that's all just a beautiful dream. Sure do

wish we could find some way to make it come true. Maybe if we found a

place way out in the country somewhere. Away from everything and

everybody. We could get a coupla guard dogs to keep an eye on things

at night. We'd have to get some guns to keep by the bed.

We argued the last time you was up here and said some awful things to

each other. Surely do hope you didn't mean what you said 'bout wantin

to quit me. I didn't mean none of the mean stuff I said. I was just

worried and hurtin and sad and scared. All them things you bring out

in me. You make me want things I never figured to have in my life. A

place of our own; someone to love me.

I like writin that word. It's hard to say but easy to write. I do

love you Jack. I hope you know that. When you come up in November,

we'll talk 'bout this stuff. The stuff we usually just talk 'round

and never say. I got lots of things I want to say to you. Most of

all, I want to say 'I love you'. I wanna hear how it sounds. I wanna

see the look on your face when I say it. I love you.

Maybe we can do some serious talkin about this cow/calf place. By

November when you come up, my child support payments will be done.

Junior's moving with her new husband to Cheyenne and Jenny's goin to

Casper to nursin school this summer. By fall, there will be nothin to

keep me here in Riverton.

It's time, Bud. Time for us to do some serious talkin; and sayin

things to each other. I miss you so much right now. I wish you was

here so I could show you. I'll just have to wait till I see you

again. Until then, Jack Twist, I love you. I love you.

Don't know whether I'll have the guts to mail this or not but those

people on the TV was right. I do feel better for the writin of it.

Ennis"

One hour later:

Childress, Texas

"Yeah, right! Like a fuckin letter is going to make a difference!"

Jack switched off the TV and went to his bedroom. He checked on Bobby

on the way and found him sound asleep. Lureen kept her door locked

and there was no light coming from under it so he assumed she was

asleep as well. He didn't try her door. She was a light sleeper and

hated being disturbed.

He got ready for bed and laid there thinking. Maybe he should try it,

writing a letter to Ennis. What could it hurt? What did he have to

lose?

He sat down at his desk and pulled out some stationery. Bluebonnets

across the top with:" From the desk of Jack Twist" printed under

them, found his new pen Bobby gave him for Father's day and began writing.

Dear Ennis,

I've been sittin here all night thinkin 'bout you. Wishin I was up

there and the two of us were all cozy like snuggled up in a tent

somewhere.

I saw this TV show tonight about writing letters to people you care

about and tellin them how you feel 'bout them. It was a really stupid

show but I didn't have anything better to do. They showed five

different instances where letters made a big difference in people's

lives. So like an ass, here I am writing to the only person in the

world that matters to me.

I always wanted to tell you that but was afraid you'd bolt and never

wanna be with me again. I just couldn't risk that. But this is a

letter and I'll probably never even send it so I can just say what I

want. What I've wanted to say to you since we were up on that

mountain back in '63.

I love you Ennis. More than I ever thought it was possible to love

someone. I want you to know right off, that I've never said that to

another livin soul except for my Momma and Bobby, but that's different.

Everytime we've been together, from that first night on, I've wanted

to say those words to you; wondered if you'd say them back. Scared

you wouldn't.

It's been 20 years now, Ennis. I thought at first, that this thing

between us would die off; go away but it didn't. It just kept growin

and growin till I'm totally consumed by it. It's all I think about,

all I care about. Nothin else and no one else matters. I day-dream

'bout it every day, thinkin what it would be like, the two of us livin

together. I just wish I could convince you that it would be worth

tryin.

I know you're afraid cause of what happened to your neighbor back home

and that was a terrible, terrible thing for a kid to see and hear

about. I could give your daddy a swift kick in the ass for exposin

you to something like that.

Sure, there are people out there that feel that way about our kind but

there are also a lot of really good people in the world, Ennis, and I

think we really could make a go of a little place of our own. I've

got money saved up now, enough for that down payment and a few years

running if we're careful. If you're still worried about people 'round

there we could go somewhere else. Maybe Montana or anywhere else that

you'd feel safe. I'd go anywhere with you, anywhere at all. We

could at least try it, couldn't we? If you were too uncomfortable

with it all, you could always go back to what you're doin now, hirin

out as a ranch hand. Don't you think it would be worth the risk? I

sure do.

I wish I could get across to you, how much you mean to me, how much I

miss you and need to be with you. Think about it, Ennis. The two of

us together, every day and every night; sleeping in a bed in a house;

our own place. It's all I dream about. All I've ever wanted since

we first met. You and me together.

I know we said some terrible things to each other last time I was up

there. I sure hope you know I didn't mean them. I don't think you

did either. We was just hurtin 'cause we had to say 'goodbye' again.

That's always the worst time for us, isn't it; the good-bye times.

It just tears me in two each time 'cause my heart won't let me forget

how much it needs you. We belong together, Ennis. We were perfect

for each other from the beginning. I never should have driven away

from you that day and let you go off and marry Alma and I sure as hell

shouldn't have married Lureen; but she was sweet and rich and I was

lonely and starvin, and you were married.

I took your shirt, Ennis. The one you got all bloodied up on the

mountain. You thought you left it but I grabbed it when you was

cleaning up and stuffed it in my bag. I still have it. It's hangin

in the back of my closet up in Lightning Flat. Your shirt, with my

shirt over it. It was almost like havin my arms 'round you. I held

on to them all these years and I take them out and look at them every

time I go up to see the folks. They are in a safe place. I told

Momma 'bout them and she's keepin an eye on them for me. She knows

all about you and how much I love you. She wants to meet you. I told

her one day, I'd bring you up there. Maybe we could do a little work

on the place and help the old man out. He's gettin on and been lettin

some things slide that need takin care of. The two of us could whip

that place into shape in no time.

I guess I'm just dreamin again, but it's all I think about. You and

me on a place of our own. You know, when the old man goes, that place

will be mine. It's somethin to think 'bout. It's way the hell out in

the middle of nowhere but folks are pretty friendly; mind their own

business.

We could build us a little cabin up there; out in the back away from

the main house.

Just think 'bout it, Ennis, is all I'm askin. I'll close now but I

want to say the words again. I love you. It feels so good to say

them. I'm going to say them to you in November when I come up. See

if they might make a difference to you. Maybe show you that some

risks are worth takin.

See you in November.

Jack

They each stuffed the letters in envelopes and addressed them. They

would decide tomorrow whether to mail them or not. Now it was time

for sleep.

They both slept well and with the morning came the decision already

made to mail the letters. The US Post Office had them now.

Ten days later Ennis returned from a round up and stopped to pick up

his mail. He sorted through it as he walked back to his truck. Most

of it was junk mail, except for two letters. One with a sprinkling of

bluebonnets across the bottom, the other a post card in his own handwriting with

big red letters across reading D E C E A S E D. "ooooohhhhh"

The End


End file.
